Thursday, December 30, 2004

Writing to Read

When I was in kindergarten, some educational theorist somewhere came up with the program "Writing to Read". Basically, they sat us down at word processors and said write as story. We said, "Okay.." and started typing. the only problem was, that they weren't correcting any of our spelling or grammatical errors. So, it was okay that I spelled was as W-U-Z, like the cartoon on the Disney Channel. The idea is that we were supposed to learn how to read by sounding out words and writing them down. Sounds like a good theory right?

Well, back in the day, some people theorized that the Sun orbits the Earth, and that sounded like a good theory at the time. The problem with "Writing to Read" is that while teaching us to read, it un-taught us how to spell. I've always been a terrible speller, and I thoroughly believe it is a direct result of having been exposed to this program. Vindication is sweet though, and I have found it. Apparently the human brain does not need the words to be spelled correctly for you to understand what is intended by the passage, for example:

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

Oh that just makes my day.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Another day, Another product of my perpetual boredom





Your Element Is Fire



Your passion and emotion are as obvious as the brightest flame.
You make sparks fly, and your passion always has the potential to burst out.

You are exciting and creative - and completely unpredictable.
You sometimes exercise control, and sometimes you let yourself go.

Friends describe you as sensitive, spirited, and compulsive.
Bright and blazing with intensity, you seem mysterious and moody to many.



-----------------------------
I took some other online tests...

I am:
43% Hippie (Left over from High School, where I was 100% Hippie, also, I wear sandals every day)
84% Asshole (Most would dispute that to be a much higher number...)
41% Metrosexual (Not true, I'm Married, which is the same thing...)
84% Evil Genius (No comment, as my plans for world domination are secret...)
47% Tortured Artist (?)
34% Geek...

Okay, I work, as everyone who has checked my profile can see, at a Computer Helpdesk. I feel that I have done a pretty good job to only be 34% geek. I'm afraid I must cut this post short however, my fellow nerds and I must retire to our Nerdery with our calculators...

Thank You Wal-Mart

Beautiful...

Just Beaut-i-ful...

It may be wrong to take pleasure in other people's downfall, but man this is just too good.

I was at the local Wal-Mart last night with my wife Lora, we were in the Maternity Wear section as she is with child. We're just minding our own business when some guy runs by us in the aisle, followed closely by a Wal-Mart security guard yelling, "Stop Him!! Stop Him!!" During or just after the second "Stop Him!!" the man running away tried to turn down another aisle. This, as anyone who has ever been chased knows, was not a good idea. The Wal-Mart security guard managed to catch up to the man, and form tackle him across the Saltine Cracker display. As if this situation was not funny enough in and of itself, an old friend of mine named Jamie who works at the Customer Service Desk (which was situated just in front of the Saltine Cracker Display) got on the intercom immediately after this happened and said, "I need someone in the Toy department to pick up a customer call on line 1." As if a man being tackled across a cracker display is not at all out of the ordinary. Beauty.

What makes this tale of other's woe so glorious though, is what the man was trying to steal...

The man, who was running as fast as could down the aisle to escape the security guards, the man who probably went to prison after being tackled across the Saltine Cracker Display, wasn't trying to steal a television or some other overpriced electronic gizmo, no. The man, running from the Wal-Mart Security, was trying to steal a package of Christmas Cards.

Man that's some good heresy. By Heresy of course I mean stupidity. You can read Rev. Wright's dissertation of why Stupidity is the new Heresy here. Anyway, This fella could have picked up the $2.88 that the package of cards he was trying to swipe out in the parking lot. I'd probably have given the guy 3 bucks for the cards if he had asked. I really love stupid people, I mean heretics. MMM...Heresy

Monday, December 27, 2004

Happy Bunnies

My favorite one says "I'll be nicer when you are smarter."

you smell like butt
congratulations. you are the "you smell like
butt" bunny. your brutally honest and
always say whats on your mind.


which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

How to Spend your company time...

It's been kind of slow here at work today if you couldn't tell...
Revenge of the Nerds is a wonderful film. I work at a Computer Helpdesk. It makes me feel like I'm at home.

I am...


You
may be a little nerdy and a tad socially inept but you don't let that
stop you. You're confident and you don't really budge for a lot of people.
You may find robots sexy as well as women and may pride yourself on
being a good lover. You're a leader and have a positive outlook on things.




Which nerd are you???

Prince Who?


Test Days...

So, today must be a test day. Let's face it I'm bored...

I AM 9% WHITE TRASH!
9% WHITE TRASH
I, my friend, have class. I am so not white trash. . I am more than likely Democrat, and my place is neat, and there is a good chance I may never drink wine from a box.

Who didn't see this coming...

So, I'm a fan of the Family Guy. By "fan" of course I mean that I've seen all of the DVD's many times over. My friends always said that this sad, too-smart-for-his-own-good drunkard Brian always reminded them of me. Now we have proof.


Which Family Guy character are you?

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Happy Birthday Jesus

No article today, only my half-awake ramblings...

First of all, because sarcasm and religion isn't something that people really like, I just want to say that I'm a big fan of Jesus, and don't mean to slight him or Christianity's celebration of his birth in any way...

That's what we're celebrating right? Jesus' birth? That's the reason everyone (except me and Bob) has the day off in our country with no state sponsored religion right? I guess one real big question is this: Why do we celebrate something that happened in the early part of July (or June, I can't remember, like I said I'm only half awake) in the dead of winter?

The answer is our old buddy transmogrification. Merriam-Webster defines transmogrification as a change with grotesque or humorous effect. It's also a word I've heard used to describe the change that occurs over time in a religion that is taking over a weaker (less-prominent) faith.

Back in the day, before the Catholic "church" took over the U.K. (like England not Kentucky) people already had an established religious system. When the Catholics came in and converted the heathens (by threatening their life [see *Spanish Inquisition; just with fewer Jewish people]) they simply allowed the heathens to keep their holiday which celebrated the Winter Solstice, and substituted Mary for the Earth-Mother and put Jesus in there with her.

Is this intended to offend? No, certainly not. Like I said, I'm a big fan of Jesus. For me, the fact that some of our religious celebrations come from other religions is immaterial. We celebrate Christmas for Christ. If you want to decorate a tree or burn a Yule Log, then man pull out the garland and gasoline, just don't forget that whole "birth of the savior" thing.

Oh, almost forgot...
Just to be Politically Correct and like everyone else: Merry Christmachanaukwanzakastice to all and to all good night.

Blonde Statement:
I'm a Scientologist.
Rebuttal:
That's kind of a religion.

Thank you Virgin Mobile. The world owes you greatly for that one.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Extorshizzle

Todays story is from MSN:

Rap singer Snoop Dogg has sued a woman and her attorneys for extortion, alleging they demanded $5 million to keep silent about an alleged assault against her, according to a lawsuit.
The lawsuit, filed in Superior Court on Dec. 10, said Snoop Dogg — whose real name is Calvin Broadus — was not involved in the alleged assault at a performance in 2003.
The defendant was listed only as "Jane Doe" to protect her privacy, Snoop Dogg publicist Meredith O'Sullivan said Tuesday. O'Sullivan also declined to identify the woman's attorneys.
The lawsuit alleged that the woman and her attorneys threatened to sell details of the alleged assault to a book publisher and The National Enquirer if Snoop Dogg did not pay $5 million.
Neither O'Sullivan nor the lawsuit provided details of the alleged assault.
The singer sued for punitive damages and to stop future threats.
-----------------
What mental deficiancy would cause someone to say to themselves, "Hmph, even though I was assaulted and need to go to the hospital, I think instead I'll call my lawyer and try and get a bunch of money from the guy putting on the show...after all, if he weren't having a show, I wouldn't have been here, and wouldn't have been assaulted..." This is a prime example of the idiocy of the human race. The only thing I find strange about this, is that the article focuses of Snoop D-o-double-g instead of on the crazy (explitive deleted) that's trying to extort $5 million from him. All this suing and counter-suing is not going to get us anywhere. There is only one answer: Crazy Monkey Knife Fights.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

God that's good Tex-Mex

Today's article comes to us from the Local6.com
Again, these articles are verbatim, you can't make this stuff up...


God Used To Sell Food On Controversial Billboard
Pastor: 'There Are Consequences To Doing Something Like This'
POSTED: 7:12 pm EST December 13, 2004
UPDATED: 11:30 am EST December 14, 2004
ORLANDO, Fla. -- A controversial new billboard where God is apparently used to sell burritos and tacos for a local restaurant is raising eyebrows in Orlando's religious community, according to Local 6 News.
The large billboard for Moe's Southwest Grill is located along Interstate 4 and resembles one of the famous God Speaks billboards that began popping up on highways five years ago.
However, instead of the inspirational messages posted on the God Speaks billboards, God appears to be Moe's company pitchman, according to Local 6 News.
'I know a lot of people would get offended seeing that sign," a resident said.
Pastor Enric Richard, whose church sits blocks away from the billboard, believes the ad campaign violates biblical teachings.
"You just don't use God's name that way," Richard said. "It should not be taken lightly and casually. It is sacred. There are consequences to doing something like this. Judgment can come on these who use the Lord's name in such a vain fashion.
Representatives from Moe's corporate office in Atlanta said they were not aware of the billboard.
Local 6 News discovered Monday night that the billboard was purchased by a local franchise and Moe's officials said the billboard clearly violates their company policy. They've reportedly ordered the local Moe's restaurant to take the billboard down.
-----------
Whether or not you feel that it's wrong to use God in advertising, you have to ask yourself: What kind of policy dictates that "No deity may be used to advertise our overpriced/tasteless chicken". I've eaten at this place Moe's, and all I can say about it is that I hope the one Homer Simpson goes to is better than the Moe's in Ashland because man those are just some horrible fajitas up in that place. It's like a Subway, but without the good food. The only consolation is that I got to drink Killian's and watch the Red Sox.

Blonde Statement:
I didn't know God lives in Orlando...

Monday, December 06, 2004

KKC?

The following article appeared verbatim in the Hindustan Times:

"BBC To Air ‘Most Expletives’ Show Ever

BBC is all set to air the most expletive show ever, 'Jerry Springer and The Opera,' a musical which includes a whopping 8,000 obscenities.
The musical, which will be aired in January, contains 3,168 mentions of the f-word and 297 of the c-word. It also makes fun of certain religious groups and shows the klu klux clan.
Despite being one of the most controversial shows ever, the musical however is also one of the most successful and is reportedly watched by 12,000 people everyday and has also won several awards. It is based on Jerry Springer's chat show, which often took up contentious topics.
Insiders at BBC also revealed that show will be aired in it's original form without any cuts, "It will be filmed as it is on stage. Here will be warnings but we don't intend to cut it. Our audience will expect it to be broadcast uncut," The Daily Mail quoted a source as saying."
------------
I'm not a Springer fan necessarily, and I'm not opposed to musicals with naughty language (Southpark Bigger, Longer, and Uncut is the best musical that has come out in the last 10 years, and Stephen Sondheim agrees with me). However, if we are attempting to be a reputable news organization, shouldn't we use some spell check? Now I don't know, but I'm fairly sure the Ku Klux Klan would: A.) like their name capitalized; and B.) like it spelled correctly. I'm fairly sure, after all, that Time won't be reporting on "al-kaiduh" any time soon.

Blonde Statement:
They call it KKK for a reason... Duh...